Why I Thought the 1996 Russian Women's Gymnastics Team Was Legitimately Evil

As is customary in any respectable Olympic Women's Gymnastics Team Final, you must have a storyline. In 2008, the Chinese women's Olympic Team were each plucked from their mothers' wombs, and three years later found themselves on the Olympic stage. In 2000, the Romanians had God on their side because everyone lit a candle in Dracula's castle and kissed a big gold cross. So on this day of the 2012 Team Final...I share with you a wondrous tale of good vs. evil (but mostly evil) I call, "96".

The broadcast magic of NBC and the smooth sonata that John Tesh wove into my young psyche meshed together to form a desolate, forsaken place. There were no toys. The sun didn't exist there. Mickey Mouse and Tweet-E Bird appeared awkwardly on most t-shirts. This place was Russia.

At 8 years-old, I believed that the Russian women's gymnastics team trained in some kind of abandoned Communist militia warehouse or an old bread factory. Back at the beginning of time, like 1970, they stacked a pinetree on some cinderblocks, and called it the balance beam. They had to step out into the cold tundra to begin their vault runs. They always looked tired. They always looked mean. They often ate borsht.

Yelena Grosheva could only land by taking huge, aggressive hops forward. Couple these bounds with a jagged thrust of her arms, into a jagged thrust of a salute and I was literally pissing myself in terror. She looked as though she'd just gotten in a street fight and lost. You may know her from her work as "girl who nearly fell off beam" in Team Optionals.

Roza Galieva scared me mostly because of the 'z' in her name. I knew something was unnatural about its placement...tremendously unsettling. Once she mounted the beam, though, fuhgettaboutit. She was like some kind of evil mantis creature, woo-ing a young male (probably 8) onto her branch. She did what would later become known as, "The Jerk" on balance beam. I also felt a deep distrust of her sharp, barely-able-to-actually-classify-as, pony tail. I knew she had worked her evil to somehow weave a hairband around that nub and then somehow mask it with a Russian Federation scrunchie.

Then there was Svetlana Khorkina. To me, she was a skinhead with large hoop earrings who had lost the use of her facial muscles. I'm also fairly certain she was on stilts.

Sure, there were four other girls on this team, but I didn't need to bother with them. I could tell, and NBC verified, that they were some kind of ancient (1970s) sect that had extra chromosomes and usually not much hair. I was also certain they were evil because of the comparisons I could draw to the American team.

Kerri Strug might have had the hair of a Russian, but the voice of a lollipop guild representative. I was willing to give her a chance in hopes of candy. Dominique Moceanu was constantly floating down a lazy river in a really big inner-tube. I wanted an inner-tube that big. Amanda Borden did her 'come hither' kneeling grind action. Shannon Miller had been in the gym nearly every day since 1992. Wait, what? Jaycie Phelps had car music. Amy Chow had lost her eye at Olympic Trials.

I mean...What more do you need? A classic case of good versus evil as painted by my 8 year-old mind.

Tonight, I cannot wait to see NBC produce a novella of epic proportions. They heard that McKayla texted Aly that she tweeted Jordyn and Jordyn just quote tweeted McKayla not RT'd so Aly was upset that Jordyn would do that to McKayla and not hashtag #HOTPINK either. And Gabby was like, "You know what?" And Kyla wasn't invited.

Say It With Me...Gym..nast..ics. Good!

Gymnastics finds its way back on the map of Joe Homemaker and Suzie Plumber every four years with the Olympic Games. Newsstands around the world are currently cramped with compact, muscled bodies under 5’6”. Could you imagine if a Kardashian did something like gymnastics (or anything for that matter)? The sport would seriously gain an E! series and a lip gloss line faster than a meme gets 7 Likes on Facebook. But, alas, gymnastics will have to settle on being the fifth runner up on the eighth season of The Bachelor to the majority of the public a majority of the time.

Before your uncle texts you from his flip phone, telling you your cousin Madison is the next Nay-de-uh Cuma-nietch, remember that this year’s Olympic Games are unlike any other in terms of gymnastics. Viable crops of fifteen American men and women were decimated narrowed to five member squads. Yes, gone are the days of seven-member teams with two-flipping, two-twisting Amy Chow & baby wah-wah, sassy smile Dominique Moceanu—and six member squads featuring twin, redhead bowl-cut Hamm brothers for that matter, too. The road to London was more congested than the 405 on a day ending in -day. 

Teams have been selected, so America is going to win gold, right? In everything, right? Well, the Americans are fielding the most-talented (or a close second to '08's) pool of athletes that I’ve seen in my six Olympiads on this Earth. However, the rest of the world is no slouch in 2012, either. 

Look for the American women—all of whom lack prior Olympic experience to get some jitters and wobbles out of their system during the preliminary round. Defending Olympic Champion China is fielding their top pre-school program in 2012. I kid, I kid. However, their team lacks an international resume that would suggest defending their title. Former communist powerhouses of Russia and Romania look to pose the biggest threat in derailing American success in London. I heard a rumor that Russia will be outfitted in a leotard composed entirely of iron curtain. Names to know: Jordyn with a 'y', Gabby with a 'y', Kyla with a 'y', McKayla with a 'y' and Aly with a 'y'. 

Gymnastics is difficult! It always has been—that’s what makes it so awesome. However, so often it’s easy for the general public to turn this demanding sport into elements consisting of proper names like: twisty-thing, octuple back flip and -a-ma-bobber. This year more than ever, there are expert resources at your fingertips—Twitter, Facebook and even your on-television commentary will provide awesome insight, but you’ve got to pay attention. Another one of the beautiful aspects of gymnastics is that it’s a four year soap opera, take that Khloe and Lamar! It’s even more thrilling when you’ve followed athletes since they were first accidentally in the background of an NBC shot.

On to the men…before that same uncle sends you a double-length text talking about how weird it is to see those little dudes prancing around in spandex and twirly-ma-bobbing, give him this basic test: two hours of intense, mostly upside down cardio, followed by a dynamic strength circuit till failure and five minute splits on each leg. If he passes, he’s clearly a former Soviet Olympian and I’d like his autograph. Otherwise, let him know that his analysis of men’s gymnastics is nothing new, albeit unfortunate.

I recall nearly breaking a couch and developing an Adele-esque vocal nodule during the men’s team finals in 2008—and that was during the first rotation. The American men of 2012 are flashy and fun to watch. Though the Japanese and Chinese ranked above the U.S. in 2011, everyone loves an underdog team...especially an American one. Names to know: Sam like Samuel, Jon like Jonathan, Jake like Jacob, John like John and Danell like nothing. 

I realize most who are reading this are probably, like, so above this in terms of your knowledge and technical understanding of the sport of gymnastics. I’ve been there, too, waiting hours on end for a Shanfan .gif to load on dial-up internet, but please find the humor, excitement and joy in this monumental stage for our sport! And if you’re one of those fair-weather fans, more power to you! But at least attempt to be an extended forecast fan in the future, okay?