Monday, July 23, 2012

Say It With Me...Gym..nast..ics. Good!


Gymnastics finds its way back on the map of Joe Homemaker and Suzie Plumber every four years with the Olympic Games. Newsstands around the world are currently cramped with compact, muscled bodies under 5’6”. Could you imagine if a Kardashian did something like gymnastics (or anything for that matter)? The sport would seriously gain an E! series and a lip gloss line faster than a meme gets 7 Likes on Facebook. But, alas, gymnastics will have to settle on being the fifth runner up on the eighth season of The Bachelor to the majority of the public a majority of the time.

Before your uncle texts you from his flip phone, telling you your cousin Madison is the next Nay-de-uh Cuma-nietch, remember that this year’s Olympic Games are unlike any other in terms of gymnastics. Viable crops of fifteen American men and women were decimated narrowed to five member squads. Yes, gone are the days of seven-member teams with two-flipping, two-twisting Amy Chow & baby wah-wah, sassy smile Dominique Moceanu—and six member squads featuring twin, redhead bowl-cut Hamm brothers for that matter, too. The road to London was more congested than the 405 on a day ending in -day. 

Teams have been selected, so America is going to win gold, right? In everything, right? Well, the Americans are fielding the most-talented (or a close second to '08's) pool of athletes that I’ve seen in my six Olympiads on this Earth. However, the rest of the world is no slouch in 2012, either. 

Look for the American women—all of whom lack prior Olympic experience to get some jitters and wobbles out of their system during the preliminary round. Defending Olympic Champion China is fielding their top pre-school program in 2012. I kid, I kid. However, their team lacks an international resume that would suggest defending their title. Former communist powerhouses of Russia and Romania look to pose the biggest threat in derailing American success in London. I heard a rumor that Russia will be outfitted in a leotard composed entirely of iron curtain. Names to know: Jordyn with a 'y', Gabby with a 'y', Kyla with a 'y', McKayla with a 'y' and Aly with a 'y'. 

Gymnastics is difficult! It always has been—that’s what makes it so awesome. However, so often it’s easy for the general public to turn this demanding sport into elements consisting of proper names like: twisty-thing, octuple back flip and -a-ma-bobber. This year more than ever, there are expert resources at your fingertips—Twitter, Facebook and even your on-television commentary will provide awesome insight, but you’ve got to pay attention. Another one of the beautiful aspects of gymnastics is that it’s a four year soap opera, take that Khloe and Lamar! It’s even more thrilling when you’ve followed athletes since they were first accidentally in the background of an NBC shot.

On to the men…before that same uncle sends you a double-length text talking about how weird it is to see those little dudes prancing around in spandex and twirly-ma-bobbing, give him this basic test: two hours of intense, mostly upside down cardio, followed by a dynamic strength circuit till failure and five minute splits on each leg. If he passes, he’s clearly a former Soviet Olympian and I’d like his autograph. Otherwise, let him know that his analysis of men’s gymnastics is nothing new, albeit unfortunate.

I recall nearly breaking a couch and developing an Adele-esque vocal nodule during the men’s team finals in 2008—and that was during the first rotation. The American men of 2012 are flashy and fun to watch. Though the Japanese and Chinese ranked above the U.S. in 2011, everyone loves an underdog team...especially an American one. Names to know: Sam like Samuel, Jon like Jonathan, Jake like Jacob, John like John and Danell like nothing. 

I realize most who are reading this are probably, like, so above this in terms of your knowledge and technical understanding of the sport of gymnastics. I’ve been there, too, waiting hours on end for a Shanfan .gif to load on dial-up internet, but please find the humor, excitement and joy in this monumental stage for our sport! And if you’re one of those fair-weather fans, more power to you! But at least attempt to be an extended forecast fan in the future, okay?

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