Why I Thought the 1996 Russian Women's Gymnastics Team Was Legitimately Evil

As is customary in any respectable Olympic Women's Gymnastics Team Final, you must have a storyline. In 2008, the Chinese women's Olympic Team were each plucked from their mothers' wombs, and three years later found themselves on the Olympic stage. In 2000, the Romanians had God on their side because everyone lit a candle in Dracula's castle and kissed a big gold cross. So on this day of the 2012 Team Final...I share with you a wondrous tale of good vs. evil (but mostly evil) I call, "96".

The broadcast magic of NBC and the smooth sonata that John Tesh wove into my young psyche meshed together to form a desolate, forsaken place. There were no toys. The sun didn't exist there. Mickey Mouse and Tweet-E Bird appeared awkwardly on most t-shirts. This place was Russia.

At 8 years-old, I believed that the Russian women's gymnastics team trained in some kind of abandoned Communist militia warehouse or an old bread factory. Back at the beginning of time, like 1970, they stacked a pinetree on some cinderblocks, and called it the balance beam. They had to step out into the cold tundra to begin their vault runs. They always looked tired. They always looked mean. They often ate borsht.

Yelena Grosheva could only land by taking huge, aggressive hops forward. Couple these bounds with a jagged thrust of her arms, into a jagged thrust of a salute and I was literally pissing myself in terror. She looked as though she'd just gotten in a street fight and lost. You may know her from her work as "girl who nearly fell off beam" in Team Optionals.

Roza Galieva scared me mostly because of the 'z' in her name. I knew something was unnatural about its placement...tremendously unsettling. Once she mounted the beam, though, fuhgettaboutit. She was like some kind of evil mantis creature, woo-ing a young male (probably 8) onto her branch. She did what would later become known as, "The Jerk" on balance beam. I also felt a deep distrust of her sharp, barely-able-to-actually-classify-as, pony tail. I knew she had worked her evil to somehow weave a hairband around that nub and then somehow mask it with a Russian Federation scrunchie.

Then there was Svetlana Khorkina. To me, she was a skinhead with large hoop earrings who had lost the use of her facial muscles. I'm also fairly certain she was on stilts.

Sure, there were four other girls on this team, but I didn't need to bother with them. I could tell, and NBC verified, that they were some kind of ancient (1970s) sect that had extra chromosomes and usually not much hair. I was also certain they were evil because of the comparisons I could draw to the American team.

Kerri Strug might have had the hair of a Russian, but the voice of a lollipop guild representative. I was willing to give her a chance in hopes of candy. Dominique Moceanu was constantly floating down a lazy river in a really big inner-tube. I wanted an inner-tube that big. Amanda Borden did her 'come hither' kneeling grind action. Shannon Miller had been in the gym nearly every day since 1992. Wait, what? Jaycie Phelps had car music. Amy Chow had lost her eye at Olympic Trials.

I mean...What more do you need? A classic case of good versus evil as painted by my 8 year-old mind.

Tonight, I cannot wait to see NBC produce a novella of epic proportions. They heard that McKayla texted Aly that she tweeted Jordyn and Jordyn just quote tweeted McKayla not RT'd so Aly was upset that Jordyn would do that to McKayla and not hashtag #HOTPINK either. And Gabby was like, "You know what?" And Kyla wasn't invited.